this is the language i left on your skin

I am very affectionate with support. I get so much joy out of supporting people, helping them, lifting their spirits, making an impression on their mood, or day, or whatever. Making others feel like they have someone to lean on, and push them at the same time, makes me feel good about myself. I’ll be honest, it really SUCKS when someone doesn’t appreciate that. If they don’t like it, or it bugs them, that’s one thing… but to take that energy from me and not return it? To accept the offering, but not give back? Not to say I give and expect something in return. Ugh, you would have to understand the situation to understand what I mean.

My feelings are pretty hurt right now, but I don’t know how to express them fully. I’ve been seeing a therapist, and I’m definitely going to have to bring this up to her. I’m not sad, no tears over here, but I feel hurt for sure. This is unrelated to my work post, in case anyone is actually reading this, and wondered.

I can feel myself ending a part of my life. I am starting this new journey, and it’s so incredibly personal that I’m not sure I could explain it well enough to anyone. It’s spiritual, and beautiful and so far, enlightening. I hope every single person gets to experience such a divine sensation. Finding peace within yourself, and the battle with spreading that peace outwards. I always feel like such a free-spirited hippie when I talk about this stuff, which is funny because I am so far from being a hippie. I think I shock a lot of people that don’t get to read my stream of conscious via Tumblr, or LJ, when I tell them about my spiritual beliefs, or my views on the world around us. I think a huge part of this is my femme appearance and the fact that I don’t fully adhere to gender/sexuality binaries. Which brings me to something else I want to rant about.. why the fuck do people assume so much based off of appearance?! I catch myself doing it too, but have been trying my best to not let it affect anything. I’m tiiiiiiiired of the invisibility I feel within the queer/lgbt community, but I have also learned to not let it affect me and to find other ways to be recognized as a femme lesbian. 

I want to busy myself with life. My life, on my terms. I don’t have time for much. I like my alone time, even if it just means I’m sitting in bed with headphones on, writing on the internet. It rejuvenates my soul to be able to reflect on all the thoughts that constantly run through my head. I am one of the most observant people I know, and I pick up on an insane amount of information in one day.. so to make sense of it, and release it feels SO good. Which is exactly why I like zines, and I want to fucking sit down and write one! It has been almost 2 years since I produced a zine. Bah humbug, I need to change that.

This has been the most random, jumpy post I have made on my Tumblr thus far. I’ve already come down, and don’t see much of a point on continuing. I might start being more text-heavy on here, who knows.

Today at work, a co-worker of mine (that I get along with pretty well) told me she hates everyone we work with. So, I asked for examples, and she continued to try and convince me she literally meant everyone. To test her, I asked if I was included in that.. and she begins to try and tell me nicely that she doesn’t like working with me. It was cute how she was trying to spare my feelings, but infuriated me at the same time. I’m not mad at her, I’m mad at her ignorance. 

“I don’t want to say you take your job too seriously.. because you SHOULD take your job seriously, but.. Hm.. I don’t know, I’ll have to point it out another time,” was her main answer. She was basically insinuating she doesn’t like that I am bossy. “I don’t like being told what to do. Seriously, nobody tells me what to do.” I recently got promoted, and around the same time, this girl got transferred down to first floor (where I am), so she is seeing this whole new side of me. She actually gets to see how I work, not just on my way to the break room. She doesn’t like that I actually work hard at my job, and take it seriously enough to WANT to get my shit done.

I don’t look for shortcuts, or excuses. I know I have a zone I am responsible for, and I do my work for it. Yes, I complain.. and yeah, it fucking sucks working at that store sometimes. But it’s all dependent on how I choose to view it. I understand these are the consequences of working an entry-level retail position, and I’m not really expecting much from my job if I do my job without giving a fuck. However, because I think I can do above and beyond this said position, I worked towards doing more, and pushing to do my job the best way I could. And now? I got promoted before my first year evaluation, and got a raise, too. There is a reason I got this position over girls who have worked there 2-3 years longer than me.. because I did the work. I went beyond what was expected of me, because I wanted that promotion! I fucking wanted it before I got to my year anniversary, and LOOK, I got it!

For the most part, I like my job.. It’s a fun way to earn money while I’m in school, and it’s not my problem if you’re miserable there and don’t want to do anything about it. Yes, I am going to bug you about doing your go-backs.. because you’re not doing your fucking job, and it’s my job to call you out on that. The other zone-leaders warned me that I was going to make a lot of enemies at the store now, because all the floor people end up hating zone leaders. I am trying my best to find a happy balance of being cool with the other people, but still being able to keep them in check. This is going to get interesting….

I hope the glass breaks one day, maybe that will finally teach them to stop…