this is the language i left on your skin

So lately when I meet up with people off okcupid they tell me they thought I was a bitchy Latina type.. And how hot it is to imagine me being femme but am aggressive bitch too. I must say, kind of makes me want to re-evaluate how I approach dating lol

I’ve decided to proceed with my idea of having an all-black wardrobe and accessorizing with color. I have way too many lovely clothes that are full of color though, so it’s going to take me a while before I am strictly black. All the new stuff I have bought the past few weeks, and from here on out, are going to be black though.

Black is such a powerful (lack of) color. And I like how put together I feel when I am wearing dark colors. :) <3

I spend too much time concerned with other people. I’ve heard this all my life, constantly. While I’ll never fully give-up my passion for others, and taking care of them, loving them, accepting them… I do need to step back and take care of, love and accept myself. Ultimately. I think in learning this, it has (and will) make me a better friend, sister, and lover.

I am tired of resting on my laurels, and wishing I could do things when all I really have to do is go out and do them. A few days ago I volunteered for Habitat for Humanity, crossed that sucker off my bucket list. So maybe it was locally, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t give my efforts to someone who could really use it, plus.. I DID IT! I encourage everyone to volunteer for this organization at some point in your life.. I definitely will again, and again, and again. I now also want to volunteer some time to non-profits that are geared towards abused women and children. After finally coming to terms with my own childhood abuse, I think it’s only fair on my part to give back to others who have been in the same shoes, maybe even harsher shoes. I wish I had been able to communicate my abuse a lot sooner in life, but that’s not how things turned out.. and no matter what, I am a survivor that continues to grow every day. I want to give more time to people who need it, even if it’s something simple and small. I also want to stop spending so much of my money on instant-gratifiers and save more for things that will satisfy my soul, on a larger scale. I want to start traveling more, dancing more, spending more time with acquaintances, getting tattooed with the work I’ve wanted for years now, and overall, extending myself to my limits; positively.

I spent a lot of time alone lately, and I really like it. I’ve noticed this tends to happen during the holidays for me, probably because work is more hectic than usual and being alone silences the buzz in my head. Last year, I became extremely depressed and was on the verge of self-harm.. this year, I want to take the alone time to reflect on how I have grown as a person, and how I can continue to grow and support myself. I have been the happiest in the past 4-6 months of my life, than I have in all of my “growing up” years. :D

Recently, I have had a hard time letting go of my best friend(s). Well, they’re not going anywhere, but they are all on new paths, paths that don’t include me as much. I am the worst when it comes to change in my close friendships (because I hold my close friendships a lot higher than most people I know), and these past few days have proven to me that I don’t always handle that in the best ways.  I’m stepping back, and really acknowledging this for what it is, because I don’t want to repeat past mistakes. However, I see things a lot differently now. I’ve come to terms with the fact that Zena is going to be dating more seriously and won’t have as much time to hang out 1:1, and Sascha graduated, and is a manager and can’t always be at my beck-and-call via phone/internet like before, and Rachel is living on her own, working 2 jobs, and doesn’t have the time to see me. It’s okay, because I know no matter what, they will always be there. They are the kind of friends I can not see or speak to for days/months and it won’t make a dent in our friendships. I love these three like my sisters, it’s unlike any love I have felt. They are full of so much potential, and I fully support them in any and every endeavor they pursue. I hope they’re paying attention, and are seeing where I’m going too, because I feel so gung-ho about my life and all these positive changes that are happening emotionally for me. I have freed myself from so many things from my past, and I am so ready to get the fuck out there and FLY. Mother wolf is stepping back for now, but she’ll swoop in if she needs to.. Do your thing. ;)

And can we just talk about my family? I went to visit them a few weeks ago, and it was so amazing.. so different than I expected. I spent every moment with them, and didn’t get annoyed (okay maybe a few times). I openly talked about my passions with my dad and was so impressed with how he took it all in (despite the fact that I am passionate about things that are super liberal to him). My dad hugged me on multiple occasions telling me how proud he was of me and what I’m doing, that’s probably more times in one trip, than my whole life! He stood back and watched me cook the family dinner, and was marveling at how grown up I was, and how he could feel all these great changes in my energy. My mom was working a lot, which was interesting since my parent’s switched bread-winner roles recently, but I loved having her there. Hugging her tiny frame, and being reminded of what it feels like to be taken care of… there really is nothing like a mother’s love. I finally got to open up to my oldest brother, Greg, about my abuse.. and told him how I’ve been seeing a therapist about it. It felt so, so good. And even though we didn’t delve deep into it, I felt his love for me every time he gave me a hug and it’s unlike anything I can describe to you. Him and I have had a rocky sibling-ship, but I am so impressed with where we are now. Geoff and I argued a lot.. but I guess that’s to be expected when you put people who are so similar, yet so radically different, together in a room. I’ve always felt so close to him, and I thought he was always very understanding of me, but that has changed a lot in the past few years. I’m not sure what has happened, but I am trying my best to not let it affect my relationship with him. I think acknowledging there is a noticeable difference between the two of us is enough, honestly. It’s better than expecting to hang out with my 18 year old goofy brother, when really he is a 33 year old grown up man, lol. I feel like this is becoming some kind of “shout out” post.. but might as well continue, THANK GOD, for my brother’s wives. Both of them are so incredible, and such awesome partners to both of my brothers and I am so thankful to have them as a part of my family now. :) Most of all, I am thankful that my family continues to accept me for who I am, and who I will become. I constantly test their limits, and maybe I’m the odd one of the bunch, but no matter what they are my blood that I could never deny, or turn away. 

I am on my period, and am extra sensitive to every kind of emotion on the spectrum. My hormones during this time of the month are so out of sync, it’s hard to manage sometimes. But, being in the house alone, dwelling in my own energy, has really been rejuvenating. I had a good day today, and even though I still can’t find this important notebook I need, I am going to let go of the frustration. I am in the process of cleaning out my room, because my mind has become too cluttered with all of the mess surrounding me. I am ready to start fresh. Over the next month, I am going to take the cleaning out of my room and into my life as a whole. I am so anxious to see where this next year takes me! I have tears in my eyes, but the biggest smile on my face at the same time. (My hormones also make me exceptionally cheesy.) <3

and I really, really like it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being anti-social by any means, but it’s nice to kind of separate myself and spend more time doing ME things. :)

I am intensely craving some rough, but still sensual, interaction with someone. Unf, unf, unf. Lip biting that leads to choking, and so on and so forth. I wish I was dating someone that was into that so it could become some kind of sexy routine.

Aggression is so hot. So, so hot. 

Wow.. I just cried for like, 20 minutes straight. But, the most beautiful feelings just came out of it, and I wrote something so gut-wrenchingly honest that it feel good to write it all out. To say it without anyone hearing, or knowing. To keep my secrets, secret (because we all know I am so good at that). Coincidentally it’s November 1st, and I am going to submit it to No Shame November if it gets opened back up for submissions. I submitted something there during it’s first year, a few years ago, and haven’t done it since. I really, really hope to let this out to some anonymous readers. This just makes me want to gather some material for my new zine!

I just took the biggest sigh. Ugh. The perfect music was playing too. Bloodstream, The Winner Is, Heart Skipped A Beat, Big Jet Plane, Stars, etc etc etc. :)

S&m, on the floor, give it to me hardcore